Monday, June 13, 2005

Don't listen to me...

With Due Apologies to Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune

Ladies and Gentlemen - If I could offer you one tip for the future, shower gel would be it. The long term benefits of a good shower gel have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of this crap has no basis more reliable than my own worthless experience. I will talk about this now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of someone else's youth. Younger people are always fun to be with. But, beware of those who only seem young, but in truth are more mature than you are. Pull their leg at every opportunity, keep them on their toes, lest they realize just how much more mature they really are.

Don't worry about your future. Going with the flow is not only the name of a really good blog, its also a nice way of asking people to stop fighting everything. To stop trying to figure out everything Just give in and let life lead for a while. Sometimes, just sometimes, you'll get lucky.

Do one thing everyday that makes you want to kill yourself.

Shower.

Don't be reckless with other people's stuff. They paid good money for it. Don't pay them back though, if you do manage to lose, break or disfigure something they own.

Shine your shoes.

Don't waste time on jealousy. Just get even, real quick.

Learn how to differentiate compliments from when people are just being polite. "Well, I think you are [insert some agreeable characteristic that you would like to possess]" - that's just polite, they aren't really interested."I guess... coffee might be alright... but just coffee" - that's a compliment. Live with it.

Archive everything. Gmail is good for old love letters and bank statements.

Clean your belly button. Don't use ear buds for it though. And never, ever smell what you pull out of there. Resist the temptation.

When in the middle of a tender conversation, don't stop and ask 'Excooose me, what does one do with rock salt ?'.

If you are 25+ and don't know what you want to do with your life, I suggest panic. That's the only way you will ever get anything done.

Get plenty of calcium. And sex.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get lucky, maybe you won't. Whatever you do, don't count your chicks before they have hatched. Don't incubate them too much, don't crack or pry them open. Leave them be and eventually, you will be able to count that chick as your own. Too much looking for chicks to count and eggs to hatch, does not a happy man one make.

Dancing is a spectator sport.

Directions are useless in pretty much any city in India. Don't bother. Mapquest is for losers.

Get to know your parents. Soon, you will be just like them.

Live in Pittsburgh once, but leave before it makes you boring. Live in Madras once, but leave before your brain melts right out of your ears. Live in Bangalore. Period.

Be careful who you make stupid jokes with. Realize that some people might not get the humor in your jokes and instead think that you were all serious. Even when the joke had a liberal sprinkling of emoticons. Even when you blatantly say 'I was just kidding'.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. Especially on a blog of questionable repute.

But trust me on the shower gel.

And some conditioner. And an occasional manicure.

36 Comments:

At June 13, 2005 11:35 AM, Anonymous wahgnube said...

I find it not-too-surprising that the places you've lived in fall under the list of places everyone OUGHT TO LIVE IN to have led complete lives.

And I don't about care pissing off much of this blog's viewership — I think Bangalore is one of the most pretentious places on the planet.

 
At June 13, 2005 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

about care = care about

 
At June 13, 2005 11:42 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

Somebody is having a rough day, huh ! Well, that was sarcasm for ya ! Those are the two places I've lived in, so that's all I can talk about...

And about Bangalore being pretentious, yes, and no. There are crowds that are, as with any city that grows faster than it should be. But then again, there are the nice ones too. Trust me, I've seen them !!

And I love Madras, if not for the heat... :))

 
At June 13, 2005 11:47 AM, Blogger Sista T said...

I used to have the real version tacked up to a board somewhere. Gonna get it our and paste your cynical version right there next to it for when I need a reality check on life.
And I mean this in the best possible way, so don't take it wrong.
Really liked your version too. Appeals to my 'Life's bitch and then you die' side

 
At June 13, 2005 8:41 PM, Blogger Grafxgurl said...

yes...err. shower gel..*giggle*
oh yes and btw,JUST for you..lol i found out ROck Salt is used for making ICE CREAM.. now you can have that tender moment!
*runs away VERY fast*

 
At June 13, 2005 9:04 PM, Blogger Mint Chutney said...

What the F is this??? I expected details of your weekend and instead I get a thesis statement regarding self-hygiene??!!

 
At June 13, 2005 9:41 PM, Blogger Swathi said...

wonder which shower gel were u alluding to??? - the floral,vanilla/strawberry scented or the macho ones(if u go by the ads on TV);)

 
At June 13, 2005 9:42 PM, Blogger Rat said...

Leave before your brain melts right out of your ears huh !!! Thanks for the advice viggie :) I seriously think i shud take it and move back to pretentious blore !!!

 
At June 13, 2005 10:41 PM, Blogger L*J said...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

 
At June 13, 2005 10:42 PM, Blogger L*J said...

-Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

 
At June 14, 2005 12:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what was that thingummy called?the sunscreen song??i know it began with wear sunscreen but what the heck was it called?

--R

 
At June 14, 2005 12:05 AM, Blogger liquid sunshine said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At June 14, 2005 12:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ugh!!!not only do i see that the question has already been answered, but i also notice i've spammed!!!!*hides head* sowwie!!

 
At June 14, 2005 12:11 AM, Blogger Jay said...

I used to use soap, but have thankfully now moved to shower gel.

There's nothing worse that finding suspicious-looking hairs stuck to a bar of shared soap.

 
At June 14, 2005 12:25 AM, Blogger Primalsoup said...

Shower Gel? Conditioner? Manicure? More power to the Metrosexual man! :)

"Iwas just kidding" should be banned from all conversations I think, people say and do the darnest things before saying that! :)

 
At June 14, 2005 12:49 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

To all who cannot remember this song: The origins of this piece are traced out very nicely in the link that once can follow from the title for the post. The original version was written by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune. That was who the apologies were for. Baz took that and made a song out of it. All this information can be followed through that link.

SistaT: Well, I guess that was a part of what I was getting at. But there are some nice things in there too !

Grrl: Good for you !! Rocksalt, here I come ;)

Minty: Now, now, I don't have to protective veil of anonymity that you cling to... I can't bare all my weekened activities ;)

Swathi: I use this. Yes, its for women. Buts its soo yummy !! :))

Ratsyyy: Yes, Yes come to Blore.. you will fit right in ;) With the non-p, non-vaen-vaen crowd I mean :))

You: Yes, we have all heard that song. Thanks for leaving the longest comment I have ever had though !

Anon/R : Whoa... you wouldn't happen to live in Madras would you ;) Just kidding... :P

Jay: Ahh !! The exact same reason I made the move too !!! :))

Soups: Very metro, very man only ;)

 
At June 14, 2005 1:21 AM, Blogger Benoit Lapierre said...

hi from canada
your blog is very interesting

 
At June 14, 2005 1:36 AM, Blogger Grafxgurl said...

hahaha.. whaddaya mean " good for you"
*giggle*
sigh.. now i want some perogies

 
At June 14, 2005 1:43 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

Perogies !!! Wow !! Being a veggie, thats all I would get at some of the grills we went to !! Pittsburgh perogies and waffle fries !! Wooohooo !!!

 
At June 14, 2005 3:19 AM, Blogger Grafxgurl said...

mmmmmmmmmm.sigh now i want summa dat DEATH BY CHOCOLATE!! Viggie Bwai am booking you again for that..

 
At June 14, 2005 4:27 AM, Blogger Angel said...

Maturity comes in all shapes and sizes! ;;)

One thing that makes me wanna kill myself.check!

Dancing is INDEED a spectator sport! :D

Bangalore ROCKS!
I mean, who wouldn't wahgnube here!

err...'I was just kidding!' :D ;) ;;)

 
At June 14, 2005 5:15 AM, Anonymous Suma said...

Now if we only could Baz Luhrmann to read this....

 
At June 14, 2005 5:16 AM, Anonymous Suma said...

There's a 'get' somewhere in the comment above. Please do add it :).

 
At June 14, 2005 5:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my my!!madras?!?!?!?!now why EVER would u think that.of course, i dont live in madras!

and how can i be anon when i say i am R :-O

 
At June 15, 2005 1:04 AM, Blogger Anita said...

absolutely awesome. had a real good laugh. loved the twists you added to the song. brilliant!

 
At June 15, 2005 1:10 AM, Blogger Khushee said...

That was cool :D :)

 
At June 15, 2005 2:03 AM, Blogger Archster said...

I used to love that Sunscreen song, until i got terribly sick of it. But i still had the tune stuck in my head... so readin your blog was all the funnier.

Really hilarious stuff!

 
At June 15, 2005 2:55 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

Benoit: Thanks for dropping by !!

Grrl: Most obliged to eat that sinful piece of chocolate, especially with such stellar company !!

A: Wow ! You actually figured it out ! Wow !! ;) Though I have to admit I didnt see the poke at me coming with that one.. good one there ;)

Suma: Welcome !! Welcome !!! This feels like welcoming an old friend into a new house !!

R: Sorry, didnt quite notice that R hidden away there ;)

Anita: Thankoooo !!!

K: If you thought it was, then it really must be ;))

Archster: Welcome ! And thanks, you award winning lawyer person, you !!!

 
At June 15, 2005 7:30 AM, Anonymous Mandar said...

hey vigs! howz life?
ya... thesis going on fine. and yeah... LaTeX2e treating me well. ;)
btw, nice post... hilarious.

 
At June 15, 2005 11:31 AM, Blogger Sagnik Nandy said...

couldn't resist this - so here it is: if you were a girl your name would be Jeanne ... coz then people could call you HiJeanne :))

 
At June 15, 2005 1:27 PM, Blogger eM said...

I love shower gel too. We should get t-shirts made. The 'I-heart-shower-gel' club. :)

 
At June 16, 2005 12:41 AM, Blogger jax said...

Loved the post!! We should make it world famous in India!

 
At June 16, 2005 8:29 PM, Blogger Shrutz said...

Sunscreen... Shower gel....
What's the world coming to?
:D

 
At June 17, 2005 6:36 AM, Blogger Senthil said...

Scanning through that post, I can see that the main advice that you have offered me is : Panic. Right, then, I am panicking, and I am off.
Thankfully, I have the Hitchhiker's Guide somewhere on the bookshelf... now if I could only find it...

 
At June 28, 2005 3:23 AM, Anonymous Cheeni said...

Clean your belly button. Don't use ear buds for it though. And never, ever smell what you pull out of there. Resist the temptation.

Ugh... :-) I guess this is about the point in time I got concerned looks from my office mates when they heard me banging my head against the desk.

 
At July 11, 2005 8:42 PM, Blogger Red Inked said...

WOW!

 

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