Thursday, April 07, 2005

Warmth from 20 odd candles

In the pursuit of flowers. In the pursuit of colors. The feeling of feeling. Dreaming of dreams. Dreaming of Being. Does holding a handful of Sky, hide the Sun?

whoa, this pool joint is great. i tell ya, there were sooo many chiks there like u wouldnt believe. and guess who else was there ? i finally convinced LB 2 come with us. the guys were awesomely happy 2 have her around... if u get what i mean !!!! but yeah, its my birthday today !!! first one in college and all that... pardddy time !!! hope mom doesnt freak out at the curfew break again or something...hope G got da booze...

Perfectly alone. A complex structure built out of needles, crashing down. A senseless pile of needles. Concentration reveals patterns that are painful to recognize. Rebuilding is difficult, amidst the pricks of a thousand needles.

My first birthday with her. I cannot begin to tell you how great this feels ! Its perfect. The setting is perfect. My gift is perfect. The food is perfect. She is perfect. Life... is perfect. I don't think there is anything more that I could want right now. Anything more might actually ruin this. And I don't want anything to ruin this. Nothing.

Never being able to point to that exact moment that it came crashing down. Never being able to stop it. Never being able to hold on. With bleeding hands, never being able to let go.

This could be my last birthday with her. So much uncertainty, so much pain at parting. Whoever said all that bullshit about parting being sweet sorrow, was talking outta their arse. This sucks. So many things that were on both our minds during dinner. So many questions. So many unknowns. But we didn't say anything. We spoke about this and that. About life passing by.

Stirred by love. Moved by unkempt emotions. Intangible. Insurmountable. Moved by faith. Having faith in faith. Fear moves, as well as faith.

I'm still waiting for her call. This will be my last birthday away from her. By this time next year, I will be with her. I am going back home. To her. To my life.

What now ? Run ? Hide ? To find beauty in being alone. In just Being. Never to return again ? Never to see again ? Never to touch again ?

Beauty untouched by hand is cold. Warmth is what my soul craves. Warmth is what I need. A few candles in a cake.

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear me,
Happy birthday to me.

33 Comments:

At April 07, 2005 4:05 PM, Anonymous wahgnube said...

After much, I've finally realized one can never really let go. You might want to, other comparable, if not better, situations may arise, but things stick.

The weird part is, in time, you slowly begin to elevate earlier unletgoable states to higher and higher levels in your head, and nothing present can even compare, and thus suck, by definition.

And that sucks.

You know you want to read this.

 
At April 07, 2005 9:19 PM, Blogger Grafxgurl said...

HAPPY BUDDAY VIGGY BWAI!!!
you will have many more chickies sharing your buday witchoo and you WILL have that one special person again to share it with.. WEELY!!
okokokokk.... for now.. just ENSOI!!!! and be happy.. and just.. err.,. jump around with your eyes closed!!!!waving arms too!!! yelling...AIAIAIAIAIIAIAIIA!!!! willl also help!!!!!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BUDDDAYY DAYS ARE HERE AGAINNNNNNN!!

 
At April 07, 2005 9:42 PM, Anonymous neha said...

Dei!

Porandanaal Vazthukkal!
:)
Yappy Yappy Budday Ra!
Hope you put on a few kilos with the cake, and hope you grin like crazy.

*Vun saaclate for you*

 
At April 07, 2005 10:33 PM, Blogger Angel said...

HAPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY, Vig!!
Hope you have an awesome( and I mean AWESOME) year ahead!!

and cheer up. there's loads of reasons.
take me, for instance!!
:D :D

have a blast! >:D<

 
At April 07, 2005 10:49 PM, Blogger eM said...

Happy Birthday :)

It gets better, dude.. don't worry about it.. hope you have an excellent day

 
At April 07, 2005 10:49 PM, Blogger Raj said...

In continuation of my incomprehensible juvenile banter..here's a little poem I wrote for you..

LB was goole,
especially when she played pool,
made a certain C drool,
oh, what a lovesick fool,
makes me think of school,
this poem's awesome, I RULE!

huahuahua.but consider yourself lucky, young man..I haven't attempted writing a poem ever since Ms.Virk banished me to detention in Class 4 for doing so.

Have another groo-V trip around the sun!!

 
At April 08, 2005 12:53 AM, Blogger Anurag said...

Happy Birthday Vig.

 
At April 08, 2005 2:03 AM, Blogger Megha said...

Yeppi burrday tooo you! Hope there's cake on your face, vodka in the punch, geeks to flirt with and all the other goodies you wish for!

Have a fantastic one, Viggie! :)

 
At April 08, 2005 2:45 AM, Blogger Mandar said...

Hi Vignesh!

First of all, Happy Birthday, man! Have a great year ahead.

Second of all, great blog. Some very nice posts in there. Will keep coming back. :-)

Third of all, .... about this post. Well, pal. Things could be worse. So, cheer up! It's all in the game, don't you think? And hey! Time is the best healer. Right? Also, Time knows everything. It knows what's in store for you. I'm sure there's lots of happiness for you!!!

Fourth of all.... no... just kidding :-D
I guess that's the whole all!

Take care.

 
At April 08, 2005 3:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happppiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee Buddddaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......

 
At April 08, 2005 3:30 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

Damn Blogger commenting, acting up again !!!

wahgnube: Yes, I hope that will change with time.. but I know that in some way, it will always be there. Never really going away !!!

Grrl: Awww.. thanks grrllll... I tried that, I think it worked. Till I crashed my monitors !!

N: Thankooooo !!! Mikka nandreeee !!

A: Tangs, little one... *grinning, just like was after that chweet card !!*

eM: I think it already has, in a way. I exagerrate, bloggers license I guess ;)

Lalit: Dude !! I never knew you had it in you !!! I think this poem needs a post by itself !!

Anurag: Thanks man !

Megha: Didn't know geeks to flirt with could be classified as goodies... but if you think so.. who am I to argue ??? ;) I was sure you would say 'Live Long and Prosper' !!!

Mandar: Thanks and thanks. Yes, time does heal. With a little help from friends and not to mention bloggers ;)

 
At April 08, 2005 6:05 AM, Blogger Mint Chutney said...

Happy Birthday Vig! Soon you'll be like me and go from 20-odd to just plain odd.

 
At April 08, 2005 6:31 AM, Blogger jax said...

am i too late for the cake?
anyways, wish u a happy birthday dude! hope u had a 'chillax' time! :D

time is the best healer i too am told many times, but it takes way too much time for some of us! so i hope things look up soon for u bro.

 
At April 08, 2005 7:23 AM, Blogger Megha said...

Nah that would have been too predictable :) And hey, it's a birthday wish for YOU, and didn't you say YOU had a thing for geeks? Hmm, perhaps I'm mistaken. In which case I shall allow you to replace geeks with whatever appropriate group/type/demographic that tickles your fancy :)

Have a nice one! ;)

 
At April 08, 2005 9:16 AM, Blogger Mandar said...

>>With a little help from friends and not to mention bloggers

Dude!!! Fellow bloggers are friends too! What say? :-)

 
At April 08, 2005 9:22 AM, Blogger Primalsoup said...

Ah, another step into manhood! Hope the day was good!

 
At April 08, 2005 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAPPY B'DAY, VIG!!

Hope you had a lovely day. We'll meet soon and drink our woes away :D.

Suma.

 
At April 08, 2005 12:00 PM, Blogger Vignesh said...

MC: I would be very, very glad with the way my life was progressing if I get anywhere close to being the person that you seem to be !!

Jax: One is never too late for the cake ! Esp when the birthday boys friends order a cake for about 20 people when there are 4 people for dinner !!

Megs: Predicatable is good. Have the Vulcans taught you nothing ? ;) I didnt mean why geeks... I meant goodies ? Are you sure geeks would like to be gift wrapped like that ?!!

Mandar: Of course, of course. I had to mention friends (non-bloggers) because I have known them longer !!

Soups: Thanks. I see ya way over there... hope I can make it that far ;)

Suma : WOWOWOOOWOWOW !! Welcome back !! Its been sooooooo long since I saw a comment from one of them inspirations of my blog !!! Thankoooo most kindly dearie !!!

 
At April 09, 2005 6:27 AM, Blogger Stuti said...

Hey there, hope you had a good one. And may the year see no more Geek Tragedies for you! :)

 
At April 09, 2005 7:43 AM, Blogger Mint Chutney said...

Wow. It's YOUR birthday and your giving ME a compliment. Megha and grrl are right...you're good.

 
At April 09, 2005 12:58 PM, Anonymous gabbar said...

boyy... pickup ur godamm fone.. or u arnt roaming ??

bday machi... been working with nuts n bolts lately.. and weird dreams ..got up once froma dream.. man i can never forget past years..hows it with u

 
At April 11, 2005 2:02 AM, Blogger Kumari said...

Damn...i missed your b'day :(
Double Damn ...i just Ctrl-Z'd the HUGE comment i wrote...

Anyways HIPPY HAPPY BIRTH DAY TO YOU!
Hope you had a wonderful day, fantabulous weekend and i know for a fact you will have a sesky Year too :p:p

So chill out and flirt around...plus i still have some 7 years worth of icing to cream your face with :-D See, there is already sth to look fwd to :p

once again, Happy Birth Day, My mUse :p

 
At April 11, 2005 2:59 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

CC: Nope, no more Geek Tragedies... only epic Geek romances and the like !! ;)

MC: Yes, that I am !! ;) And am also kicked that you talk about me to Megha and Grrl !! I love the way that name Grrl has stuck.. I came up with it !! Wooohooo !!!

Baardddd : Dude !! Yeah man, I saw your call... you called last week though.. I'm going through a lose everything I own spree.. have misplaced my celly twice, so your call came in when the cell was at my aunts. And she didn't know how to unlock this wretched contraption !!

Hows it with me ? I'm over the nightmares... Keeping myself busy, tired to death when I sleep. No energy for nightmares. But you are right man, we can never forget. We LIVED it and we lived it well. How can we forget ??

LadyK : So you ARE alive !! Thankoooo for the bday wishes !! And I think you got that relationship wrong ! ;)

 
At April 11, 2005 3:16 AM, Blogger Kumari said...

Nopes...i did not get that rel'ship wrong...i was trying to make you look fwd to better things like me smearing your silly face with cream than you staring at a vacant space that was once occupied by an Angel...That's all :)

But then yeah...not all men find the act of cream on face alluring :p

 
At April 11, 2005 5:23 AM, Anonymous Ostrich said...

Awww! I missed a birthday!!! :( Belated Happy Birthday!!! :)

And Amen to whatever it is that you wished for when you blew out the candles! :)))

 
At April 11, 2005 5:45 PM, Blogger Khushee said...

Aww.. happy birthday! I'm a little late, but that doesn't matter! :D

 
At April 11, 2005 10:28 PM, Blogger Vignesh said...

LadyK: Umm... I was referring to the muse comment da !!! But thanks.. that Angel bit, I shall reuse in some later blog post.. sounds nice !! ;)

Ossie: Thanks for dropping by and the only thing I was wishing when I blew out the candles was a fervent hope that the people around me wouldn't make me sing.. wish not granted... ;)

K: Thankoooo !! Of course it doesn't matter.. its you !!!

 
At April 12, 2005 1:52 PM, Blogger Senthil said...

Baa baa baaa baaa baaaaa baaaaa
Baa baa baaa baaa baaaaaa baaaaaa
Baa baa BAAAAA BAAAA BAAA Vig-neshhhh...
BAAA BAA BAAAAA BAAAAAA BAAAAAAA BAAAAAAA!

(Bleated birthday wishes...)

 
At April 15, 2005 7:13 AM, Blogger Angel said...

hey!! what are u guys talking abt me...I'm CLUELESS!!!

 
At April 15, 2005 1:14 PM, Blogger Vignesh said...

A: HAHAHHA !! Not you da !! Angel here was meant to refer to an angel, not the angelic Angel, the blogger we all know and lurveee !!

 
At April 23, 2005 1:50 PM, Anonymous Pauk said...

I read blogs and make vague intangible attempts at writing some and realise .. I have to teach myself to feel before I can teach myself to write... This post is probably one of the best I have ever read in a looooooong time and is testament to my above statement.

VERY VERY BELATED ..

BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIGNESH.

 
At April 25, 2005 9:13 AM, Blogger Vignesh said...

Thanks Paukyyyy !!! Hows you been ?!?!

 
At April 25, 2005 9:29 AM, Anonymous Pauk said...

How I'been: Generally miserable. When not miserable on the constant lookout for a source..j/k .. am a working schmoe man and I am tiring of it ... I am thinking of movin to b'lore and joining a traveling circus .. If only life were an Enid Blyton book.....

 

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