Friday, November 14, 2003

There is no joy in my life. None. I no longer take pleasure in what I do, what I have done and what I have to do. None. Numb. I feel numbed. If this experience has made me one thing, its made me numb. To life. To its little tricks. And most of all, to people. One of my friends asked me a very quaint question the other day - "When was the last time you did something that made you happy ?". When was the last time, I looked at my work and said to myself, yes, I did that. I am happy. I killed him with the sniper rifle, when he wasn't looking. I came up with the very evil but very smart way of coding that up. I did that. Nope, cant remember...

I don't want to do anything any more, nothing. Just vegetate. Life has done this to me. And I hate life for that. Its a vicious cycle!

I feel like Cellophane man from Chicago.

Monday, November 03, 2003

I am at a stage in my life, my work and my career, that I see the world as composed of patterns. Patterns of infinite complexity, patterns within patterns. Criss-crossing, disecting every facet of my existence. Patterns at work, patterns when I have fun, patterns when I just sit around and type, watching Star Trek. The tricky thing about patterns is that even when you realise they exist, determining the nature of the patterns is a tricky deal. Doing something about them, doing something to change that pattern. To modify it, to be able to realize it. And then again, we have engineers (me), who try to program it. Good luck, suckers.

I realised a lot of things over the last week, its been a week of infinite revelations. Of all the patterns you might say. I realised just how important kissing ass really is. There really is nothing to rival it, barring maybe sheer force of talent and merit (something that I don't have and hence cannot relate to !). I realised just how useless some software can be. Atleast for systems that would be "useful" to me as a network-software-middleware-embedded-distributed systems engineer. Dammmit ! We guys spent all of Sunday, from 11am, till 11am on Monday morning, non stop, fixing deadlocks and starvation in the model. All because we cant save state.

Anyways, onto happier things. Pittsburgh becomes this nice happy place when the weather is good. I say it becomes, because it usually isnt. People look morose here most of the time. The sun changes all that. Today is one such da, people are beaming at each other, there is a soft rustle in the wind, and it ain't just the buritos the CS PhDs ate yesterday. Things are looking up for Pittsburgh. Esp. after a great party Friday. Things are falling into place.. muhuhuhahahah !!!

I have a meeting with this person from Intel research. The only time he could meet me, was at the bus stop, and on the bus to the airport. I mean, cmon ! How busy do you have to be, to tell someone to meet you on a bus to somewhere else ? I'm really grateful that he did agree to meet me and all, coz I really need his help with some stuff. But its just funny, thats all !

Was just looking at my schedule, damn this week is going to be pretty bad. So whats new eh ! Research proposal, business plans, interviews, projects and thesis work. woohoo !

In 42 days, I will be back home.