Friday, August 01, 2003

It has been one whole year.

Just about now last year, I was in Chicago airport, en route to Pittsburgh. Wondering what the f*** I was doing there. I was apprehensive, tense and on the verge of freaking out. The days just before leaving had been pretty emotionally charged with friends, family and her. I couldn't help feeling unbelievable grief at the very thought of being away from her, from my family for God-knows-how-much longer. On the phone at the airport, when I spoke to her, I was so over-powered with absolute gut-wrenching grief, I almost threw up. Getting on that plane was the toughest thing I have ever done.

Well a year has gone by and lots of things have happened. I have had a total blast over here, shes having a great time in Chennai and my family is having a great time too. So I guess things turned out fine. Not quite.

You see, Im phucked in the head. I can't keep my emotions straight. And because of that, I can't keep my life in check. I go off on all the wrong things most of the time. I am capable of so much love but at the same time, I overdo it. I get possesive, I get jealous, I get burnt, I get paranoid, I get insecure, I get emotional. That's not the way I want it to be. And I'm sure that she wouldn't either. Though if you ask her, she would probably say, "I love him for who he is". But seriously, even I wouldn't love myself, if I let myself be this big an ass. Like the past couple of days. It has been rough. I miss her so much, its giving me ulcers. Things just went out of control in my head. I just lost it, acted like an idiot. I've told her this countless number of times, so much so that its losing its meaning. I'm sorry. Funniest thing is, nothing happened to spark it off. It just happened. Something inside my head just decided to snap. And the rest is, well, a sinking, depressing feeling that makes you want to die.

Tomorrow will be a whole new day, she will be there for me. Like she always has. Like she always will be. I just wish I can say the same thing about myself. Body, mind and soul. The way I want it to be. Forever.


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